Keep Climbing

Growth doesn’t happen overnight. Sometimes it can be really hard to be consistent when you don’t see results. It’s easy to revert to an old version of yourself because change is uncomfortable. A familiar hell can easily win over an unfamiliar heaven, especially when you struggle to feel like you deserve to be happy. 

I spent a lot of this year working on my mental health through meditation, breath/energy work, therapy, yoga, and healthy relationships. My life didn't magically become better because I was healing, in fact, life threw a lot of unexpected and hard things my way.

Healing has, however, made me better at life. I am better at knowing when to say yes and when to say no. I am better at regulating my nervous system, challenging negative thoughts, and listening to my body. I am more calm when presented with conflict and unexpected emergencies. I no longer dissociate everytime things get hard and instead, give myself permission to feel (without judgement).

My progress has not been linear. I realized I would do the work and grow and then revert back when I saw my life wasn’t changing for the better because of it. I wanted a reward for all the hard work I did for myself or a sign that I was on the right path. I thought it wasn’t working or I wasn’t doing it right, but what wasn't right was my mentality. Doing anything for the expectation of something in return is almost always going to leave you dissatisfied, and sometimes what you get in a return is just a feeling; an open heart, a moment of euphoria, a deeper connection with someone you love.

The satisfaction comes in the surrender, in the trusting that the positive choices you’re making are taking you to where you need to be, in embracing the feelings of uncomfortability and uncertainty. It can be hard to keep going up the mountain when you have no idea what the view is at the top, or if you'll ever get there. In those moments, I remind myself that there’s beauty to be found in every step of the way and there's peace to be felt in being grateful for the ability to keep climbing.